What's the H Stand For?
by Nyah
Summary: In Sookie's house, it'll cost you a penny each time you take the Lord's name in vain. Weekly One-hot challenge. E/S humor.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

**Note:** A presentation of the Weekly one-shot challenge. The prompt: Things to Say during Sex as specified by this handy flow-chart: http://incredimazing(dot)com/page/Things_to_Say_During_Sex

I cheated a bit.

**Time line:** Um, no real place for this one. Arlene is not in prison and her kids have seen Eric fly a la True Blood.

**What's the 'H' Stand For?**

**Monday – Merlotte's**

"Sookie, I need a favor," Arlene pleaded, twisting her apron strings to show just how much it pained her to ask.

"Trailer cleaning, shift-swap, or babysitting?" Sookie asked even though she already knew the answer. One of the cornerstone's of her on-again off-again friendship with Arlene was playing dumb.

"I know tomorrow's your day off," Arlene opened. "I have an appointment in the afternnon, you know, with the _lady doctor_, and I'd rather not take Coby and Lisa along. Coby'll ask all kinds of questions and it'll embarrass Lisa something fierce."

"You can bring 'em over Arlene, it's no problem."

**Tuesday – The House on Hummingbird Road**

Lisa had been sulky since Arlene had dropped her and her brother off an hour ago. She'd been snappish with Coby and barely said two words to Sookie.

"Lisa, you need to eat your vegetables," Sookie said in her best kind-but-stern voice.

"_God! _What are you, my mother?" Lisa asked, the most words she'd said all night. "Anyway, they're cold." She poked at the green beans with a fork.

"No reason to bring God into this, Lisa. Anything you want to talk about?" Sookie prodded gently, since, despite the silent treatment, she was getting a very loud narrative from the adolescent mind. "Something happen at school today?"

"No," Lisa mumbled. Then, in a dramatic change of posture, Arlene's eldest nearly face-planted in her dinner. "Oh my God! I cannot be-_lieve _Sarah-Beth told Tony Cahill that I have a crush on him!"

Sookie made sympathetic sounds and eventually coaxed the Fowler children into the living room for popcorn and some TV.

"God, Lisa! Stop hogging the popcorn!"

Coby and Lisa were mid popcorn-bowl-battle when Sookie declared, "Uh-uh! That'll be a dime from each of you every time you use the Lord's name in vain under this roof." Sookie held out her palm.

Both children looked shocked and guilty and immediately began digging in their pockets. "I only have three cents," Cody admitted sheepishly. "We don't get an allowance."

"Fine," Sookie said reasonably. "Each 'oh my G-O-D' will cost you a penny." She plucked a coin out of Coby's hand and two from Lisa's.

Around 7pm Arlene called to say she had a flat tire and was waiting on the tow truck and she was sorry but it would be a while. "Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea!" Sookie swore, hanging up the phone.

Two eager Fowler faces peered at her over the back of the couch. "That was a long one," Lisa chided.

"We think you should owe us each a quarter," Coby said with a grin.

**The Next Monday – The House on Hummingbird Road**

"Thanks for letting us sleep over, Aunt Sookie," Lisa said politely, already in her PJs. She'd warmed up considerably toward Sookie since the week before seeing as Tony Cahill had become her "veryfirstever" boyfriend. As far as Sookie could tell, that meant they occasionally held hands at lunch.

"Yeah, Mama wants some kissy-face time with Donny," Coby put in.

Donny was the "strapping" tow truck driver who had "rescued" Arlene the week before.

"Mama's all nervous though because Mr. Northman's coming over," Lisa confided.

"Yeah," Coby said, plunking himself down on the love seat with a pillow and blanket. "Donny had to bring Mama flowers _and _chocolates just to get her to go out with him tonight."

"I told her not to worry," Lisa said loyally. "Mr. Compton was always a _perfect gentleman_ when he visited and I like Mr. Northman even better."

"That's 'cause he's got yellow hair, like _Tony_," Coby teased.

Lisa chucked a pillow at him. "God, Coby! Shut up!"

"Uh!" Sookie scolded and held out her hand for the penny transfer.

Half an hour later, Eric was at the front door, (suggestive) flowers in hand since they'd had a bit of a fight the night before. "These are customary, I believe," he said, bending for a make-up kiss.

Sookie turned her cheek and cleared her throat, nodding to indicate the children who, until then, had been engrossed in _The Incredibles_. "Arlene's kids are visiting, remember?"

"Ah, yes," he said.

Lisa's eyes fixed on the flowers. "See, I told you I liked him better than Mr. Compton."

"Canyoustillfly?" Coby asked excitedly.

"Not right now," Sookie said, cutting off Eric's inevitable, affirmative response which would have inevitably led to Coby begging to go flying which would have inevitably resulted in Sookie being screeched at for a very long time by a very angry Arlene.

"Why?" Coby persisted. "Did you get hurt?"

"Something like that," Eric said, taking his cue from Sookie who was giving him a look that very clearly said that he would be hurt if he encouraged any more talk of flying.

"Can vampires go to the doctor?" Lisa asked, concerned.

"Not really," Eric replied and Sookie couldn't quite suppress a smile. She had a feeling that 20 Questions with the Fowler children wasn't exactly what he'd planned for his night off from Fangtasia.

"Hmm," Lisa said, frowning. "Well, I'll say a prayer for you at church on Sunday then."

"Me too!" Cody chimed, not to be out done.

Eric just stared at their earnest faces until a look and an elbow from Sookie prompted him to say, "Thank you, children." He turned a look of his own on Sookie. "I'm sure your Aunt Sookie would be happy to pray for me right now." He began towing her by the hand toward her bedroom.

"Eric, the kids …." Sookie protested feebly.

"We're okay, Aunt Sookie," Lisa said, waving at the TV and snuggling down under her blanket.

"Yeah, say your prayers," Coby advised. "I want to go flying next time!"

_An hour later_

"You sure you counted right?" Coby asked his sister sleepily.

"I'm sure," Lisa insisted. "We'll remind her in the morning."

"Okay. Goodnight"

"Goodnight, Coby."

**Tuesday – The Grabbit Kwik**

"Mama, can I get some bubblegum?" Lisa asked while Coby pleaded, "I want M&M's!"

"You know the rules," Arlene said. "You want junk food, you buy it with your own money."

"Okay!" Her children chorussed, much to her surprise.

Lisa and Coby approached the cashier, prizes in hand.

"That's gonna be a dollar each," the girl behind the counter said with a smack of her gum.

The children presented her with closed fists. "We have the dollars," Lisa said sheepishly. "But they're in change."

Coby opened his hand and released a shower of coins. "Mostly pennies," he said.

"Where did you get all that?" Arlene asked, shooting the cashier an apologetic look.

"Aunt Sookie," Coby replied. "She has a rule about saying G-O-D."

"But she and Mr. Northman pray a lot," said Lisa.

Arlene shook her head. "Jesus H. Christ."


End file.
